Goodbye letter to Alcohol
Dear Alcohol,
We’ve had a wild journey together darling but it’s time to say goodbye. When we first became friends, you were so much fun to go to parties with and I quickly realised you gave me a sense of security and confidence. You calmed my anxious thoughts and made me forget memories I couldn’t bear to think about (even though many were caused by you). However, you have been a part of some of my best memories too and I wouldn’t have met many of the friends that are there for me today without you. You were there when I celebrated and you were there when I grieved. I loved you more than I loved myself but that is something that has to change.
I believed that if I had you by my side, I could be the person I wanted to be; outgoing, intelligent, funny, attractive. It was the opposite but you continued to make me believe this for years. You made me think that I was no one without you. You tricked me into thinking you could get rid of my anxiety and depression only to find out you were making it worse. I was convinced that because you had always been there to comfort and support me, that you weren’t the problem. I was convinced that you were the only thing in my life that would solve this problem.
Our relationship was extremely toxic. You controlled my life. I tried so hard to control you but it was impossible. How could I control something so cunning and deviant. How stupid was I to think we could party like you partied with others. To think we could be together without going completely out of control. To be fair, sometimes we could but the next blackout or breakdown was never far away. Even after the blackouts, you made me feel like I needed you to get rid of the shame of not remembering and off we would go again.
Our relationship in school and university was relatively (because we have always had the worst relationship) good to how it progressed after. You become so needy and psychotic. I started to spend time hiding away in my room with only you. I had come to believe that I was happier doing that than seeing friends, exercising, doing well at my job. I was so anxious to leave the house if you weren’t going to be by my side. In various jobs, I always started off without seeing you the night before work because I had noticed how much you affected me the next day. You always found a way to slip back to ‘normal’. I would be a sensitive wreck who couldn’t deal with criticism. I couldn’t see anything clearly (physically and metaphorically) and my mental state was in bits. The anxiety and depression was at an all time low. You drove me to believe that ending my life was the best thing for me and even though I didn’t succeed, we stayed together.
Our relationship caused many other relationships in my life to crumble. You made me think it was OK to put a guard up, it was OK not to have feelings, not to care. You taught me that being vulnerable and open about how I felt was not for me and that I would only get hurt. I stopped wanting to see friends because I only wanted to spend time with you. Even when I was with friends and family, I wouldn’t be enjoying myself because all I was thinking about was you. You stole my life away from me. You stole my vulnerability. You stole my ability to fall in love with life.
Seriously though, we got a bit lost. Our relationship was toxic and abusive and although we tried to go on breaks, I would always come running back to you. However, after much denial, I finally saw the light. Life couldn’t go on the way I wanted it to with you in it. You were so angry when I decided to leave you and you sure put up a fight. You made me think I would never be able to party again or that I would never get through the hard times in life. God how you laughed when I said I was leaving you just before Christmas. You were right, it was really hard and still is but your power has definitely diminished over time and I’ve learnt to find the joy in life without you. I’ve come to terms with other people still wanting to see you because their relationship with you isn’t as abusive. I’ll learn to live with it as I know I’m stronger and more confident in myself and my decisions, without you in my life, and it’s only going to get better from here.
Thank you for the good times. Fuck you for the bad times.
Kat